Nurturing your Child – and Your Relationship

If you choose to parent in a way that doesn’t align with Western cultural values, you probably receive a good deal of unsolicited advice. This can shake your confidence and add to worries about doing things “right.”

With a stranger, a friend or even a relative, you can use humor or change the subject to deflect criticism, knowing that you can end the conversation if needed. But what if it’s your partner who disagrees with what you are doing, particularly if that partner is also your co-parent?

sad young indian woman avoiding talking to husband while sitting on sofa
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Different opinions

Partners sometimes have differing opinions on feeding, sleeping, holding, etc. If partners discussed certain parenting practices during pregnancy, the birthing parent is often surprised by how intensely they feel about doing things differently once baby is born. It’s easy to get defensive when you feel strongly about responding to your infant or toddler’s biologically normal needs and your partner doesn’t agree.

Sometimes, the non-birthing parent is worried that their baby isn’t “normal” based on Western ideas of what a baby “should” do – sleep alone in a crib, eat at regular intervals, not be held constantly, and so on. They may compare parenting practices with friends or co-workers and feel that something is wrong with their baby – or their partner. Other times, a partner may be concerned that responding quickly to an infant’s needs will keep them from developing independence.

It’s important for the birthing parent to acknowledge that these beliefs are common in Western society, but also to inform their partner about biological norms for human infants. You may want to share my previous blog posts or some of the resources at the end of this one.

Underlying needs

However, this sometimes doesn’t resolve the conflict, because the deeper issue may be that your partner doesn’t feel their own needs are being met. Before a child is born, partners concentrate their love and affection on each other, and it’s difficult to maintain that level once the focus shifts to the baby. Even if your partner understands that an infant’s needs come first, they can still experience a sense of loss and even loneliness.

The non-birthing parent may not even be aware of these underlying feelings or may blame their partner for devoting too much time and energy to the baby. The birthing parent often feels caught between the fierce biological imperative to nurture their child, the demands of their partner, and their own needs.

If you are caught in this sort of conflict, it’s important to have a heart to heart talk with your partner. What are his worries? Is she missing the closeness you once had? What do they need? Take as long as you need to hear them out, then validate those concerns and share your own. Your feelings and opinions are just as important as your partner’s and need validation too.

During this discussion, you may be able to come up with a compromise that meets both your needs. For example, if your husband wants baby or toddler out of your bed, it could be that he misses cuddling with you at bedtime. Maybe you could slide your baby into a sidecar crib once they are asleep and then cuddle up to your partner or you could nurse your toddler to sleep on a mattress on the floor in a childproof room so the two of you have time together before your child crawls into bed with you.

It’s also vital to emphasize that making you choose between the baby and your partner is going to make you resentful of the relationship. There are ways to stay connected while still honoring the intense need for attachment in an infant, a toddler and even a young child.

Is time alone as a couple essential?

Many “experts” today rightly maintain that nurturing a loving partner relationship is good for the children. But some of these same couples counselors insist that partners must spend time away from their children – a weekly date night, a weekend away – almost from infancy. In itself, this can lead to conflict, with the birthing parent hesitant to leave a child who protests separation and their partner insisting it’s essential for their relationship.

This idea that it’s critical to have adult time alone is a new concept in Western society. In most cultures, parents have time together in family groups or with children playing nearby. Even as recently as the first part of the twentieth century in the US, most parents rarely traveled without their children, let alone left an infant with a babysitter while they went on a weekend alone.

photo of a man being hugged
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Small things often

There is another way. Noted relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman talk about “small things often” as the key to successful relationships. When you find yourself feeling resentful, remind yourself of why you fell in love with the other person and act on it.

A quick shoulder rub, a brief hug, even just a smile and an “I love you” done several times a day goes a long way towards nurturing a loving relationship. Instead of criticizing your partner for leaving clothes on the floor – again – pause, take a breath and thank her for changing the baby’s diaper without being asked (oh, and by the way could you throw those clothes in the hamper?).

Figuring out you and your partner’s love language(s) helps enhance the effect of these small gestures. Does your partner feel more loved if you tell him he is a great dad or if you two just spend time together? Give her a hug or bring her a glass of water? Maybe they love receiving a little gift, like a chocolate bar or some flowers from the garden?

Regardless of their primary love language, a meal out or coffee with your partner is always a good way to connect, as long as the birthing parent isn’t worried about their child crying at home without them. What about going for a walk in your favorite neighborhood around naptime with baby or toddler in a soft carrier, stroller or pram? When your child falls asleep, you can stop to get a drink or a snack outside (one benefit of these pandemic times) or even bring your own picnic and thermos. Even if baby don’t nap, take the time for (semi) uninterrupted conversation.

What about sex?

Finding a place and time for intimacy often requires planning and preparation – spontaneity tends to take a back seat for a while. Babies and toddlers have knack for waking up just as parents are sneaking off for a little time together. Plus, limiting sex to the master bedroom at bedtime is boring!

Let baby get used to a sitter or relative while you chat during a few visits – once baby or toddler is comfortable with the caregiver, you can send them off for a nice, long walk while you two get busy. If you spend time with other families, your child may soon be familiar enough with their home that you can drop them off for an hour or two.

If you really want a weekend away, bring your child with you – plus a sitter! A trusted friend or relative may be happy to tag along and can spend time with baby or toddler while you two have time alone, just as long as you are back for bedtime. This can also work well for weddings and other events – caregiver takes bubs for a walk or playtime, bringing them back when it’s time to nurse.

Just remember that patience and compromise are essential. Baby may be experiencing separation anxiety or one partner may not feel up to it or one of you may need take matters into your own hands, so to speak. The exhaustion that come with child raising is a particular libido killer – cleaning the kitchen or doing the laundry is sometimes the best foreplay!

Stay connected even when there’s conflict

Will all this guarantee a happy, peaceful relationship free of strife? Of course not. Arguments will still happen – they just won’t come from a place of simmering anger and resentment that hovers just beneath the surface of your daily lives.

The Gottman’s book, And Baby Makes Three, is essential reading after the birth of a baby, outlining ways to handle conflict and stay connected as a couple. There are even Bringing Baby Home workshops available based on the Gottman approach – some available online.

If your partner refuses to discuss compromises and insists you choose them over the baby, it might be time to pursue couples counseling. The Gottman Institute website has a directory of therapists – it’s is a good place to start looking for a counselor who understands how to balance a couple’s needs with those of their children.

Babies need happy, loving caregivers, whether they are raised by a single parent, a couple or in another family structure. There are ways to stay connected even when your child is at their neediest – it just takes a little creativity. Remember that kids are only little for a short time, even though it can seem like forever some days. You will have time alone again – and will miss those baby snuggles!

And Baby Makes Three by John & Julie Gottman

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The Risks of Not Breastfeeding for Mothers and Infants

Babies (and Toddlers) Wake Frequently at Night (Part Two)

As babies grow older and become toddlers, Western parents often start expecting them to sleep longer and more independently. This is especially true for first children, particularly if that child has a younger sibling. When a second baby is born, suddenly the toddler seems like a giant!

Yet, that 15 or 18 or even 24 month old is really still a baby. The move towards more adult like sleep happens on a child’s own individual schedule – some young toddlers adapt easily to sleeping longer stretches in another bed or room, while others aren’t ready until closer to three or four years old. In many cultures, no one really pays attention to the child’s age – the child decides when they are ready to move to another sleeping space (if there is one).

Nightime is scary

I distinctly remember not being allowed in my parent’s bed or room after a certain age. The dark, quiet house was so scary, even in elementary school. When I woke in the middle of the night, I sometimes spent hours reading comic books, trying to distract and calm myself enough to be able to go back to sleep. I didn’t really sleep well consistently until I met my husband and had someone to sleep with at night.

Many parents today are questioning why Western society considers it normal for adults to sleep together and for babies to sleep alone. Yet we sometimes forget that as babies turn into toddlers and then become older children, they often still need the comfort of another person at night. If room is an issue, a single mattress that can be pulled out from under a bigger bed or even a sleeping bag on the floor may be helpful for those times an older child needs to be close.

Sometimes, adjusting expectations is all that’s needed to adapt to frequent toddler wake ups. Parents can play “musical beds” and siblings older than 18 months or so are often happy to share a bed in another room, at least for part of the night. My three were in and out of our bed for between three and twelve years. The one who slept with us the longest hiked 2600+ miles on the Pacific Crest Trail and traveled around the world!

Source: United States Breastfeeding Committee

However, if you need more than just a change in attitude, other “nudging” ideas from Sweet Sleep can help. Often it’s easiest just to breastfeed a toddler back to sleep, but certain things may reduce the number of times a toddler wakes at night to nurse (if your toddler has weaned, a snack or a cup of water next to the bed can come in handy).

Nudging a toddler

You can start by patting and reassuring the toddler for a bit before nursing – eventually your child may accept that instead. Getting up to use the toilet first, assuring bubs that you will be right back, may buy you some time in which your child could fall back to sleep on their own. Try “spooning” your toddler after nursing or when they first start to rouse – it may be that a cuddle is all they need.

Sometimes a little distance from the breast can be useful. If possible, have your child sleep on the other side of your partner, or even just turn over yourself and sleep with your back to the toddler after nursing. Mumbling and turning over slowly towards them may eventually be all that’s needed when they stir – a simple reassurance of your presence.

Twiddling, scratching and other unwanted behaviors can make night nursing difficult. Holding the toddler’s hand and demonstrating how to stroke gently or giving them something else to pinch (a stuffed animal or doll) can be useful. It can also help to place your arm across your other breast or take a short break from nursing. Talking gently and empathetically while setting firm limits (“you really want to scratch, but it hurts mommy, pinch this instead; you feel frustrated, etc.”) helps your child learn appropriate breastfeeding manners.

Shortening breastfeeding/chestfeeding times can also make night wakings tolerable. It’s best to work on this during the day at first, when your toddler is likely to be more amenable. Some parents sing the ABC song or count to ten slowly – talking about it for a few days before starting helps the child get used to the idea.

Gentle night weaning

Parents sometimes feel they need to wean completely in order to get better sleep, but weaning doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Reading the children’s book Nursies When the Sun Shines is a wonderful way to introduce the concept of night weaning to your toddler. Talking with them in an age appropriate way and going slowly can make it a pleasant process for both of you. For more information, check out this article on gentle night weaning.

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

If you are ready to try starting your toddler out in another room at night, consider forgoing the crib and instead putting a mattress on the floor of a childproof room. You can bring the child into your bed when they first wake in the night, or one parent can go back to that room to lie down with them, cuddling, patting and soothing as needed.

At bedtime, when your child is older, you can try telling them that you have to leave for a few minutes to do something, always returning when you say you will. Eventually, your child will have fallen asleep by the time you get back. Of course, they may still crawl into bed with you in the middle of the night, but rest assured that they will someday sleep just fine without you in their college dorm room!

Two steps forward, one step back

Of course, “nudging” a toddler to sleep longer doesn’t always go smoothly. It’s important to remember that sleep is developmental and can often seem like two steps forward, one step back. If your child is truly upset with what you are doing, you may want to try something else or try the same approach again a few weeks later.

There may be times when you are dealing with particularly disrupted sleep and are feeling exhausted. In these cases, an emergency sleep break can help you cope. Give your baby or toddler to a trusted adult, pump if you need to, then sleep until you wake up naturally. This can make all the difference, even if it’s just once a week during the day on a weekend. Use an eye shade, breathe deeply and feel your body sinking into the bed. If anxiety and/or depression are affecting your sleep, get help here.

Of course, nightmares, illness, stress and other factors can also contribute to disrupted sleep – when a toddler is wound up or crying at night, soothing and empathy are often the best approach. Even after weaning, children frequently need the reassurance of a parent at night for many years. During the tough nights, try to remember that you are promoting secure and healthy sleep for your child – and it’s a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Sweet Sleep by Diane Wiessinger, Diana West, Linda J. Smith, and Teresa Pitman

Safe Infant Sleep by Dr. James McKenna

Babies (and Toddlers) Wake Frequently at Night (Part One)

Regressions. White noise machines. Charts of sleep needs by age. Wearable blankets. Sleep trackers. Today’s parents, at least those in WEIRD societies (yes, that’s an actual term in anthropology – Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich and Democratic) are overloaded with information and choices about where and how much babies sleep. This obsession promotes so much unnecessary anxiety and stress – no wonder parents have trouble sleeping!

“Is your baby sleeping through the night?” may be the most common question heard by Western parents. And when the answer is “no” or “for a while, but now they are waking up again,” parents often worry something is wrong with their baby. But here’s the thing – it’s biologically normal for babies to wake at night. Heck, it’s normal for adults – we get up to use the toilet, adjust blankets or even just roll over.

Waking at night is protective

For young babies, night waking is actually protective. Humans have the largest brains of any primate in relation to our size and our infants are born less mature so their heads fit through the birth canal. One result of this immaturity is an underdeveloped breathing system – and some SIDS researchers theorize that vulnerable babies may sleep so long and so deeply that they “forget” to breathe.

This may be why babies sleep less deeply and have shorter sleep cycles than adults – and why trying to “train” an infant to sleep more like an adult may be risky. It’s also why sharing sleep with a baby is important – a parent’s breathing and movements at night keep an infant from sleeping too deeply.

In addition, babies brains and bodies are growing incredibly fast, which sometimes makes it hard to stay asleep! The dreaded “sleep regression” is misnamed – it’s actually a developmental progression as an infant who had been sleeping longer stretches starts to wake more frequently. They may be becoming more aware of their surroundings or getting ready to crawl or any one of the other mental and physical milestones children progress through during the first few years of life.

But I’m tired!

So you may be thinking – ok, that’s fine, but I’m tired! How can I get a better night’s sleep?

First, don’t look at the clock or your phone and forget the sleep trackers – trust me, it helps not to know! And don’t worry if your child doesn’t sleep the average for their age – like adults, they all have individual sleep needs. Remember, you can’t make a baby sleep – you can only provide a calming atmosphere that is conducive to sleep. If your child truly seems sleep deprived (rubbing eyes constantly, looking dazed, etc.), try winding down earlier in the evening (see my post A Different Approach to Bedtime) or lying down with them in a quiet, childproof room during the day – even if they don’t nap, the rest time is restorative.

Second, share sleep with your baby (and toddler)! Make your bed a safe space (see How to Sleep Safely with your Baby) and work on getting comfortable in the cuddle curl so you can nurse without waking completely. An extra pillow under your head and one between your knees can make a world of difference. If baby likes to sleep with your nipple in their mouth all night and you find that uncomfortable, try easing it out (a finger in the corner of the mouth helps) when they are in a deep sleep and press up on their chin to keep their mouth closed for a minute or two.

Putting your top leg down on the bed and leaning over to nurse from the top breast sometimes can help stretch out your back. And don’t feel you need to sleep in one position the whole night – the cuddle curl is safest when infants are tiny, but even then many parents don’t stay like that the whole night. They roll on their backs for a while or turn over and stretch. For parents who bottle feed, having baby next to the bed in a co-sleeper or sidecar crib for at least the first four months makes it easier to put in a pacifier/dummy and pat baby’s back.

Stay horizontal

Are you sensing a pattern here? Staying horizontal is key! Some parents have heard that they shouldn’t let their baby fall asleep nursing or that they should put an infant down drowsy but awake. This may work for a few unicorn babies, but human milk contains melatonin, tryptophan and other substances that promote sleepiness. Nursing to sleep is biologically normal and often much easier than rocking or bouncing in the middle of the night.

If you already rock or bounce your little one to sleep, see if you can transition to back to nursing or something else you can do lying down. Patting or rubbing, shushing or humming, letting baby suck on your finger, or rocking baby’s bum may help. Patting and humming while breastfeeding can also be helpful if you will be going back to work or school and someone else will be helping baby sleep – your child will associate these other sleep cues with the comfort of nursing.

And remember – you don’t have to get baby back to sleep every time they wake. If they aren’t upset and don’t want to nurse, it’s fine to let bubs babble and roll around a bit until they are ready to doze off again. Take this time to breathe deeply and relax, which can be almost as restorative as sleep.

Many parents hardly notice when their babies rouse – they adjust covers, shift position, latch and drift off again without fully waking up. If this works for both you and your little one, there’s no need to change anything. But if frequent waking is disturbing either of you, Sweet Sleep has some great ideas on ways to “nudge” a baby into sleeping longer.

Try nudging

There isn’t much nudging that can be done in infants under six months old, but there are a few things to try. Breastfeeding more often during the day sometimes helps, especially in the evenings when babies often naturally cluster feed as they “tank up” for the night. Sleeping skin to skin – opening your shirt and cuddling bub close wearing just a diaper, or laying a hand on baby’s bare back – can encourage longer sleep sessions. Even just being held by an adult, whether it’s a contact nap with mom while she watches a movie or a snooze in an infant carrier as grandpa vacuums the floor, often stretches out the zzzs.

After about six months old, there are a few more “nudges” to try. Getting baby outside each day for some exercise and sunlight can encourage more restful sleep at night, even when it’s cold and overcast. Take a lesson from Scandinavian parents, who bundle up their infants in all kinds of weather for naps outdoors after a brisk walk in a stroller or pram.

A short bedtime routine, hopefully done as part of an evening wind down for the whole family (see A Different Approach to Bedtime), can include a relaxing massage if baby enjoys it. If bubs falls asleep before you, dream feeding (basically latching babe on in their sleep) right as you are turning out the lights and heading for slumberland yourself can stretch out your child’s first sleep interval.

Baths are traditionally done in the evening, but if they are stimulating rather than relaxing for your child, move it to a different part of the day. You may want to add Epsom salts to baby’s bath – magnesium is absorbed through the skin and can help calm restlessness.

Things to check

Anemia can also contribute to restless sleep, so have your child’s iron levels checked if he or she thrashes about and can’t seem to get comfortable. If babe sleeps with their mouth open (especially if they snore), check with your doctor in case sleep apnea could be keeping baby up or see an IBCLC if you suspect a tongue tie.

Allergies are another common culprit and sometimes eliminating certain foods or taking up carpet (in the case of dust allergies) can be helpful. Teething, reflux, colds and ear infections also keep babies awake at night. This quiz is a quick way to discover these and other possible reasons for sleep disturbances so you can follow up with the right health professional.

One frequent frustration for parents is the baby who wakes up in the middle of the night and simply refuse to go back to sleep for an hour or two – or even more. This is especially common between the ages of six and twelve months. Children are busy practicing new skills during this period – no time for sleep!

Two shift sleeping

They also may be doing two shift sleeping, something that was once typical for many of us. When mine were little I played dead (we had a floor bed in a childproof room) – they babbled and played (and yes, would head butt me and stick their fingers in my nose) and eventually went back to sleep while I did my best to snooze. Keep your eyes closed and model sleep with lots of turning over, grumbling and saying shhhh. 

Sleep patterns in babies – shorter sleep cycles, a larger percentage of light sleep – become more adultlike as your child grows, but this happens for each individual on his or her own timeline. Often parents expect toddlers over one to stop waking at night, but many still wake well into the second and third year of life. We will explore this in Part Two.

Sweet Sleep by Diane Wiessinger, Diana West, Linda J. Smith, and Teresa Pitman

Safe Infant Sleep by Dr. James McKenna