As babies grow older and become toddlers, Western parents often start expecting them to sleep longer and more independently. This is especially true for first children, particularly if that child has a younger sibling. When a second baby is born, suddenly the toddler seems like a giant!
Yet, that 15 or 18 or even 24 month old is really still a baby. The move towards more adult like sleep happens on a child’s own individual schedule – some young toddlers adapt easily to sleeping longer stretches in another bed or room, while others aren’t ready until closer to three or four years old. In many cultures, no one really pays attention to the child’s age – the child decides when they are ready to move to another sleeping space (if there is one).
Nightime is scary
I distinctly remember not being allowed in my parent’s bed or room after a certain age. The dark, quiet house was so scary, even in elementary school. When I woke in the middle of the night, I sometimes spent hours reading comic books, trying to distract and calm myself enough to be able to go back to sleep. I didn’t really sleep well consistently until I met my husband and had someone to sleep with at night.
Many parents today are questioning why Western society considers it normal for adults to sleep together and for babies to sleep alone. Yet we sometimes forget that as babies turn into toddlers and then become older children, they often still need the comfort of another person at night. If room is an issue, a single mattress that can be pulled out from under a bigger bed or even a sleeping bag on the floor may be helpful for those times an older child needs to be close.
Sometimes, adjusting expectations is all that’s needed to adapt to frequent toddler wake ups. Parents can play “musical beds” and siblings older than 18 months or so are often happy to share a bed in another room, at least for part of the night. My three were in and out of our bed for between three and twelve years. The one who slept with us the longest hiked 2600+ miles on the Pacific Crest Trail and traveled around the world!
However, if you need more than just a change in attitude, other “nudging” ideas from Sweet Sleep can help. Often it’s easiest just to breastfeed a toddler back to sleep, but certain things may reduce the number of times a toddler wakes at night to nurse (if your toddler has weaned, a snack or a cup of water next to the bed can come in handy).
Nudging a toddler
You can start by patting and reassuring the toddler for a bit before nursing – eventually your child may accept that instead. Getting up to use the toilet first, assuring bubs that you will be right back, may buy you some time in which your child could fall back to sleep on their own. Try “spooning” your toddler after nursing or when they first start to rouse – it may be that a cuddle is all they need.
Sometimes a little distance from the breast can be useful. If possible, have your child sleep on the other side of your partner, or even just turn over yourself and sleep with your back to the toddler after nursing. Mumbling and turning over slowly towards them may eventually be all that’s needed when they stir – a simple reassurance of your presence.
Twiddling, scratching and other unwanted behaviors can make night nursing difficult. Holding the toddler’s hand and demonstrating how to stroke gently or giving them something else to pinch (a stuffed animal or doll) can be useful. It can also help to place your arm across your other breast or take a short break from nursing. Talking gently and empathetically while setting firm limits (“you really want to scratch, but it hurts mommy, pinch this instead; you feel frustrated, etc.”) helps your child learn appropriate breastfeeding manners.
Shortening breastfeeding/chestfeeding times can also make night wakings tolerable. It’s best to work on this during the day at first, when your toddler is likely to be more amenable. Some parents sing the ABC song or count to ten slowly – talking about it for a few days before starting helps the child get used to the idea.
Gentle night weaning
Parents sometimes feel they need to wean completely in order to get better sleep, but weaning doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Reading the children’s book Nursies When the Sun Shines is a wonderful way to introduce the concept of night weaning to your toddler. Talking with them in an age appropriate way and going slowly can make it a pleasant process for both of you. For more information, check out this article on gentle night weaning.
If you are ready to try starting your toddler out in another room at night, consider forgoing the crib and instead putting a mattress on the floor of a childproof room. You can bring the child into your bed when they first wake in the night, or one parent can go back to that room to lie down with them, cuddling, patting and soothing as needed.
At bedtime, when your child is older, you can try telling them that you have to leave for a few minutes to do something, always returning when you say you will. Eventually, your child will have fallen asleep by the time you get back. Of course, they may still crawl into bed with you in the middle of the night, but rest assured that they will someday sleep just fine without you in their college dorm room!
Two steps forward, one step back
Of course, “nudging” a toddler to sleep longer doesn’t always go smoothly. It’s important to remember that sleep is developmental and can often seem like two steps forward, one step back. If your child is truly upset with what you are doing, you may want to try something else or try the same approach again a few weeks later.
There may be times when you are dealing with particularly disrupted sleep and are feeling exhausted. In these cases, an emergency sleep break can help you cope. Give your baby or toddler to a trusted adult, pump if you need to, then sleep until you wake up naturally. This can make all the difference, even if it’s just once a week during the day on a weekend. Use an eye shade, breathe deeply and feel your body sinking into the bed. If anxiety and/or depression are affecting your sleep, get help here.
Of course, nightmares, illness, stress and other factors can also contribute to disrupted sleep – when a toddler is wound up or crying at night, soothing and empathy are often the best approach. Even after weaning, children frequently need the reassurance of a parent at night for many years. During the tough nights, try to remember that you are promoting secure and healthy sleep for your child – and it’s a gift that lasts a lifetime.
Sweet Sleep by Diane Wiessinger, Diana West, Linda J. Smith, and Teresa Pitman
Safe Infant Sleep by Dr. James McKenna
Babies instinctually want to do the natural thing – sleep with someone – and protest when they are put down alone. But Western culture promotes the belief that infants and toddlers “should” sleep alone and frightens parents into thinking that they will harm their children (physically and psychologically) by sharing a bed with them.
Biologically normal infant sleep components include breastfeeding, sleeping next to the mother and varied sleep positions including side and back. In traditional cultures, sharing sleep takes place on a firm surface, usually the floor (these cultures also have very low SIDS rates).
The authors of Sweet Sleep researched this topic extensively and concluded that there is no greater risk of SIDS when infants under four months old bedshare safely (again, the 
Of course, sometimes babies cry no matter how responsive we are as parents, but holding and comforting babies seems to mitigate the negative effects of this stress. Studies that have looked at social sleeping with one or more parents have found multiple benefits, including increased breastfeeding (more antibodies and other benefits for baby), more rest for both infants and parents and a stronger emotional bond.
In many cultures, this isn’t even a question. Sleep is a social event where families sleep together in one room for many years, even in large homes. These societies assume that babies will grow into children, who will eventually fall asleep without nursing or rocking, as of course they do.
With these infants and toddlers, no one worries about bedtime rituals or if they are getting enough sleep. These children nurse and fall asleep when they are tired. They snooze in someone’s arms or are put down on a mat or hammock while the family finishes evening activities, then are carried to bed when mom is ready for sleep.
In fact, this belief in security and comfort for children at night is key for many co-sleeping cultures. Mayan parents in Latin America consider it abusive and unkind to put a baby to sleep in another room. Infants and young children generally fall asleep in someone’s arms and are carried to bed when the rest of the family is ready for sleep.
However, this sort of rhythm did not suit the demands of factory owners or slaveholders. Industry demanded a long, sometimes irregular work schedule and working slaves to exhaustion served the plantation system.
In addition, sleep was once a social event not just for families – even total strangers would share beds when they traveled. Less desirable were tenements and slave cabins, where many people crowded together at night made comfortable sleep difficult. Eventually, though, both central heating and a middle class with a higher standard of living made separate bedrooms possible for many.
These and other “experts,” who were overwhelmingly white and male, began to assert authority over the traditional wisdom of women in raising children. Most valued independence and self-sufficiency, and warned of the dangers of spoiling children with too much affection. Authorities on childcare also favored formula feeding, a technological innovation that not only allowed parents to feed their infant “scientifically,” but also allowed someone other than the mother to care for a baby at night.
In addition to physical regulation, primate infants also need contact for psychological wellbeing. This was first demonstrated by Harry Harlow with his famous experiment in which rhesus monkey babies separated from their mothers clung to a cloth covered “surrogate mother” rather than a wire one that dispensed food. More recent research points to a spike in cortisol in babies left to cry without being comforted, which could effect an infant’s developing brain.