If you choose to parent in a way that doesn’t align with Western cultural values, you probably receive a good deal of unsolicited advice. This can shake your confidence and add to worries about doing things “right.”
With a stranger, a friend or even a relative, you can use humor or change the subject to deflect criticism, knowing that you can end the conversation if needed. But what if it’s your partner who disagrees with what you are doing, particularly if that partner is also your co-parent?
Different opinions
Partners sometimes have differing opinions on feeding, sleeping, holding, etc. If partners discussed certain parenting practices during pregnancy, the birthing parent is often surprised by how intensely they feel about doing things differently once baby is born. It’s easy to get defensive when you feel strongly about responding to your infant or toddler’s biologically normal needs and your partner doesn’t agree.
Sometimes, the non-birthing parent is worried that their baby isn’t “normal” based on Western ideas of what a baby “should” do – sleep alone in a crib, eat at regular intervals, not be held constantly, and so on. They may compare parenting practices with friends or co-workers and feel that something is wrong with their baby – or their partner. Other times, a partner may be concerned that responding quickly to an infant’s needs will keep them from developing independence.
It’s important for the birthing parent to acknowledge that these beliefs are common in Western society, but also to inform their partner about biological norms for human infants. You may want to share my previous blog posts or some of the resources at the end of this one.
Underlying needs
However, this sometimes doesn’t resolve the conflict, because the deeper issue may be that your partner doesn’t feel their own needs are being met. Before a child is born, partners concentrate their love and affection on each other, and it’s difficult to maintain that level once the focus shifts to the baby. Even if your partner understands that an infant’s needs come first, they can still experience a sense of loss and even loneliness.
The non-birthing parent may not even be aware of these underlying feelings or may blame their partner for devoting too much time and energy to the baby. The birthing parent often feels caught between the fierce biological imperative to nurture their child, the demands of their partner, and their own needs.
If you are caught in this sort of conflict, it’s important to have a heart to heart talk with your partner. What are his worries? Is she missing the closeness you once had? What do they need? Take as long as you need to hear them out, then validate those concerns and share your own. Your feelings and opinions are just as important as your partner’s and need validation too.
During this discussion, you may be able to come up with a compromise that meets both your needs. For example, if your husband wants baby or toddler out of your bed, it could be that he misses cuddling with you at bedtime. Maybe you could slide your baby into a sidecar crib once they are asleep and then cuddle up to your partner or you could nurse your toddler to sleep on a mattress on the floor in a childproof room so the two of you have time together before your child crawls into bed with you.
It’s also vital to emphasize that making you choose between the baby and your partner is going to make you resentful of the relationship. There are ways to stay connected while still honoring the intense need for attachment in an infant, a toddler and even a young child.
Is time alone as a couple essential?
Many “experts” today rightly maintain that nurturing a loving partner relationship is good for the children. But some of these same couples counselors insist that partners must spend time away from their children – a weekly date night, a weekend away – almost from infancy. In itself, this can lead to conflict, with the birthing parent hesitant to leave a child who protests separation and their partner insisting it’s essential for their relationship.
This idea that it’s critical to have adult time alone is a new concept in Western society. In most cultures, parents have time together in family groups or with children playing nearby. Even as recently as the first part of the twentieth century in the US, most parents rarely traveled without their children, let alone left an infant with a babysitter while they went on a weekend alone.
Small things often
There is another way. Noted relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman talk about “small things often” as the key to successful relationships. When you find yourself feeling resentful, remind yourself of why you fell in love with the other person and act on it.
A quick shoulder rub, a brief hug, even just a smile and an “I love you” done several times a day goes a long way towards nurturing a loving relationship. Instead of criticizing your partner for leaving clothes on the floor – again – pause, take a breath and thank her for changing the baby’s diaper without being asked (oh, and by the way could you throw those clothes in the hamper?).
Figuring out you and your partner’s love language(s) helps enhance the effect of these small gestures. Does your partner feel more loved if you tell him he is a great dad or if you two just spend time together? Give her a hug or bring her a glass of water? Maybe they love receiving a little gift, like a chocolate bar or some flowers from the garden?
Regardless of their primary love language, a meal out or coffee with your partner is always a good way to connect, as long as the birthing parent isn’t worried about their child crying at home without them. What about going for a walk in your favorite neighborhood around naptime with baby or toddler in a soft carrier, stroller or pram? When your child falls asleep, you can stop to get a drink or a snack outside (one benefit of these pandemic times) or even bring your own picnic and thermos. Even if baby don’t nap, take the time for (semi) uninterrupted conversation.
What about sex?
Finding a place and time for intimacy often requires planning and preparation – spontaneity tends to take a back seat for a while. Babies and toddlers have knack for waking up just as parents are sneaking off for a little time together. Plus, limiting sex to the master bedroom at bedtime is boring!
Let baby get used to a sitter or relative while you chat during a few visits – once baby or toddler is comfortable with the caregiver, you can send them off for a nice, long walk while you two get busy. If you spend time with other families, your child may soon be familiar enough with their home that you can drop them off for an hour or two.
If you really want a weekend away, bring your child with you – plus a sitter! A trusted friend or relative may be happy to tag along and can spend time with baby or toddler while you two have time alone, just as long as you are back for bedtime. This can also work well for weddings and other events – caregiver takes bubs for a walk or playtime, bringing them back when it’s time to nurse.
Just remember that patience and compromise are essential. Baby may be experiencing separation anxiety or one partner may not feel up to it or one of you may need take matters into your own hands, so to speak. The exhaustion that come with child raising is a particular libido killer – cleaning the kitchen or doing the laundry is sometimes the best foreplay!
Stay connected even when there’s conflict
Will all this guarantee a happy, peaceful relationship free of strife? Of course not. Arguments will still happen – they just won’t come from a place of simmering anger and resentment that hovers just beneath the surface of your daily lives.
The Gottman’s book, And Baby Makes Three, is essential reading after the birth of a baby, outlining ways to handle conflict and stay connected as a couple. There are even Bringing Baby Home workshops available based on the Gottman approach – some available online.
If your partner refuses to discuss compromises and insists you choose them over the baby, it might be time to pursue couples counseling. The Gottman Institute website has a directory of therapists – it’s is a good place to start looking for a counselor who understands how to balance a couple’s needs with those of their children.
Babies need happy, loving caregivers, whether they are raised by a single parent, a couple or in another family structure. There are ways to stay connected even when your child is at their neediest – it just takes a little creativity. Remember that kids are only little for a short time, even though it can seem like forever some days. You will have time alone again – and will miss those baby snuggles!
And Baby Makes Three by John & Julie Gottman
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
https://cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/
https://thriveglobal.com/stories/history-of-infant-sleep-in-western-industrialized-societies/
The Risks of Not Breastfeeding for Mothers and Infants https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2812877/
Babies instinctually want to do the natural thing – sleep with someone – and protest when they are put down alone. But Western culture promotes the belief that infants and toddlers “should” sleep alone and frightens parents into thinking that they will harm their children (physically and psychologically) by sharing a bed with them.
Biologically normal infant sleep components include breastfeeding, sleeping next to the mother and varied sleep positions including side and back. In traditional cultures, sharing sleep takes place on a firm surface, usually the floor (these cultures also have very low SIDS rates).
The authors of Sweet Sleep researched this topic extensively and concluded that there is no greater risk of SIDS when infants under four months old bedshare safely (again, the 
Of course, sometimes babies cry no matter how responsive we are as parents, but holding and comforting babies seems to mitigate the negative effects of this stress. Studies that have looked at social sleeping with one or more parents have found multiple benefits, including increased breastfeeding (more antibodies and other benefits for baby), more rest for both infants and parents and a stronger emotional bond.
In many cultures, this isn’t even a question. Sleep is a social event where families sleep together in one room for many years, even in large homes. These societies assume that babies will grow into children, who will eventually fall asleep without nursing or rocking, as of course they do.
With these infants and toddlers, no one worries about bedtime rituals or if they are getting enough sleep. These children nurse and fall asleep when they are tired. They snooze in someone’s arms or are put down on a mat or hammock while the family finishes evening activities, then are carried to bed when mom is ready for sleep.
In fact, this belief in security and comfort for children at night is key for many co-sleeping cultures. Mayan parents in Latin America consider it abusive and unkind to put a baby to sleep in another room. Infants and young children generally fall asleep in someone’s arms and are carried to bed when the rest of the family is ready for sleep.
However, this sort of rhythm did not suit the demands of factory owners or slaveholders. Industry demanded a long, sometimes irregular work schedule and working slaves to exhaustion served the plantation system.
In addition, sleep was once a social event not just for families – even total strangers would share beds when they traveled. Less desirable were tenements and slave cabins, where many people crowded together at night made comfortable sleep difficult. Eventually, though, both central heating and a middle class with a higher standard of living made separate bedrooms possible for many.
These and other “experts,” who were overwhelmingly white and male, began to assert authority over the traditional wisdom of women in raising children. Most valued independence and self-sufficiency, and warned of the dangers of spoiling children with too much affection. Authorities on childcare also favored formula feeding, a technological innovation that not only allowed parents to feed their infant “scientifically,” but also allowed someone other than the mother to care for a baby at night.
In addition to physical regulation, primate infants also need contact for psychological wellbeing. This was first demonstrated by Harry Harlow with his famous experiment in which rhesus monkey babies separated from their mothers clung to a cloth covered “surrogate mother” rather than a wire one that dispensed food. More recent research points to a spike in cortisol in babies left to cry without being comforted, which could effect an infant’s developing brain.
Traditionally, relatives care for the new mother, feeding her certain foods such as chicken soup with ginger or hot chocolate. Often, warmth is emphasized by bundling up both baby and mom, and avoiding cold foods.
If you have a partner, discuss the importance of baby holding with them. Agree to take turns holding the baby (after a feed, of course) when the other needs a break or to make a quick dinner. Infants normally bond to one parent, particularly if that parent is breastfeeding, so the partner can either take over the task or try putting baby in a carrier and going for a walk.